Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
+4
WunderbarPhalanges
NS
Ema Skye
Riu
8 posters
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Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Turnabout HUG News is the world's most trusted organization for unreliable news. This is its story.
The Characters:
Wunderbar Phalanges: The President of THUG News. Odd sleep schedule, somewhat less insane than the rest of her employees, sings in her spare time.
Riu: Vice-president of THUG News. Hyperactive, flaming gay, likes purple. Enjoys sexual harassment, secretly very lonely.
Ema Skye: THUG News' most trusted investigative journalist, she is able to dig up any story she sets out to find. Has an odd habit of giving away others' embarrassing secrets, also says 'y'know' often. Also hyperactive.
Crooked Enderson: The newest hire. He's a largely stoic person, but is initially startled by the strange goings-on at THUG. (Meeting Riu and Ema first certainly didn't help) He adapts quickly to the work environment however.
The story so far:
It was an average day at THUG News, but with one simple exception. There was a new employee coming in, a certain Crooked Enderson. He is first welcomed by the ever-awesome Riu, who takes him on a tour of the facility, Ema providing the much-needed backround information on the various floors and rooms of the building. They then went to meet the president of THUG News, Wunderbar Phalanges, who, as part of his introduction to THUG, is giving Crooked a full history of the corporation.
Prologue: The Pilot
Chapter 1: The Tour
Chapter 2: The President
The Characters:
Wunderbar Phalanges: The President of THUG News. Odd sleep schedule, somewhat less insane than the rest of her employees, sings in her spare time.
Riu: Vice-president of THUG News. Hyperactive, flaming gay, likes purple. Enjoys sexual harassment, secretly very lonely.
Ema Skye: THUG News' most trusted investigative journalist, she is able to dig up any story she sets out to find. Has an odd habit of giving away others' embarrassing secrets, also says 'y'know' often. Also hyperactive.
Crooked Enderson: The newest hire. He's a largely stoic person, but is initially startled by the strange goings-on at THUG. (Meeting Riu and Ema first certainly didn't help) He adapts quickly to the work environment however.
The story so far:
It was an average day at THUG News, but with one simple exception. There was a new employee coming in, a certain Crooked Enderson. He is first welcomed by the ever-awesome Riu, who takes him on a tour of the facility, Ema providing the much-needed backround information on the various floors and rooms of the building. They then went to meet the president of THUG News, Wunderbar Phalanges, who, as part of his introduction to THUG, is giving Crooked a full history of the corporation.
Prologue: The Pilot
- Spoiler:
- “As you can see, a cold front will be moving in over the next couple of days, and it may bring wind and rain, with the possibility of severe lightning and thunder, hail, ice storms, tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes, apocalyptic storms, giant gaping fissures in the ground, and fiery brimstone raining down upon us from the heavens as demons of Hell break loose and cause terror and pain unimaginable. There will be absolutely NO survivors. On the other hand, next week is shaping up to be full of bright and sunny days, so grab your picnic baskets and shotguns to fight off the inevitable zombie holocaust. That’s it for the weather today, now to NintendoSaiyan with the sports!”
I flash the camera with my winning smile, and blow a kiss to all the sexy male viewers who are currently orgasming from the sound of my smooth, smooth voice as the weather segment of the daily news ends. Straightening my purple tie, I stand up and begin to walk towards my office; there’s still a lot of work to be done today. I open the door to my office, a plain affair; a simple, modern-style desk with few personal affects and a large, fancy-schmacy computer (that works like crap) sits in the middle of the room; the rest of the office is sparsely decorated, save for the walls, which are covered in photos featuring myself and all of my coworkers, many of whom are my best friends. The most striking feature of the room is probably the carpet, a soft baby blue; as the Editor-in-Chief of Turnabout: Hilariously United Group, the nation’s largest and most inaccurate news source, I can’t afford to be too camp, but I try my hardest to add in a little bit here and there. Sitting down at my desk, I take a look at today’s to-do’s.
Weather Report? Check
Make millions of men cum in unison? Doubly Checked
Sexually harass NS? …Hmm, that can wait til later.
Next on the to-do list? New staff initiation, oh jeez, this’ll be fun. I grin deviously, and head out the door towards the lobby.
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Crooked checked his watch, his initiation was supposed to have started 30 minutes ago. He expected taking a job at THUG News would be an…. interesting, if nothing else, experience (considering the company’s reputation), but he hadn’t even thought for a second that things would be so lax at the HQ. Sighing as he leaned back in the comfortable lobby chair, Crooked reflected briefly on whether taking this job was a good idea or not. He had been an average-Joe journalist at Victory Times, a barely known local newspaper, but he was making a living and even rising though the ranks.
Then he received a job offer.
THUG rarely hired new journalists, and it’s a mysterious thing when one is, usually the journalist hired has no special significance, they usually are in a position just like Crooked was, completely and utterly average. But then, within months, they become some of the most respected names in journalism; as such, a job offer at THUG was something you simply couldn’t turn down! But now, sitting in the gaudy, oddly-colored purple and blue room, Crooked felt unsure. The entire facility itself was strange; located in Friendhood, Massachusetts, it was in the middle of nowhere. The entire building had a bizarre architecture, as if someone just threw Lego blocks at one another just to see what would stick. The interior was even worse, filled with bright, blaring colors, clashing against each other; charming and cute perhaps, in Crooked’s opinion, but hardly professional.
The overhead lights suddenly shut off, snapping Crooked out of his reverie. Fog began rolling in across the floor from an unknown source, and the silent air was pierced by a booming voice emanating from the P.A. system,
“Now, for your eyes only, [insert name of new employee here]; the knight of news, the squire of stories, the teller of tales, the sexy, the magnificent, the one and only Vice-President of Turnabout HUG News, RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!”
As the announce shouted this final word in a long, drawn-out, overly-dramatic manner, a spotlight flashed on, revealing a flashily-dressed man standing in a doorway. Fireworks went off, and an unseen audience clapped and cheered wildly as the man bowed. His clothing at its core was a coat-and-tie ensemble, a lavender, button-down shirt coupled with a darker purple tie, and a black sports jacket and slacks to match; that alone was an odd choice for working clothes, but augmenting the strange outfit were the other additions. A black silk tophat graced his brown hair, and a black cape billowed out behind him, blown by a fan that was built into the floor (evidently for the sole purpose of making his cape flap in the wind dramatically). In his hand he clutched a light blue umbrella, and on his feet were a pair of bright yellow rubber rain boots. The man, Riu, remained in his freeze-frame pose for several moments, one hand on his hip, the other holding the tacky umbrella like a cane. Crooked simply stared, still overcome with shock.
“Sooooo~! What do you think?” Riu chuckled slightly as he asked, pushing up his glasses with a wink.
Crooked began rubbing his temples. Dear lord, what had he gotten himself into?
Chapter 1: The Tour
- Spoiler:
- I smirk triumphantly as the new employee doubles over and clutches his head, obviously he’s having trouble taking in the sheer awesomeness that he just witnessed.
…
That or they were about to lose another new hire. How dull.
The boy himself, despite his clear lack of appreciation for the artful entrance I just pulled off, doesn’t look too boring. He’s hardly attractive, but not incredibly ugly either; dressed smartly, a simple coat and tie, hair neat, shoes polished. I pull out my PDA and make a small addendum to my to-do list.
Sexually harass vaguely-cute new employee
I saunter over to the young man, my boots squealing stridently on the smooth floor. My clothes were even more ridiculous than on an average day, I did want to look my best for the new guy (…well, the only real difference was the umbrella and boots, rather than a cane and simple dress shoes, but nevertheless).
“Hello and welcome young one! To the world of hard news! The fantastic, the fabulous, the fantasticabular, THUG News! Now for your introductory tour!” While the poor boy was still struggling to understand exactly what ‘fantasticabular’ meant, I snapped my fingers and plunged the greenhorn into a world he’d never seen before.
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The lights, once again, flashed off, leaving Crooked in dark, both literally and figuratively. Only seconds later however, the lights burst into a somewhat more dull existence again, now revealing the odd pair to be located in a narrow hallway, in front of the doors to an elevator. Crooked’s companion was no longer wearing the boots, and instead of an umbrella he held a simple black cane.
“How exactly did we get here?”
“Didn’t you see? I turned off the lights.”
Crooked just stared at the smiling man for a moment, his broad grin full of teeth that somehow shined brighter than the dim overhead lights, “…Uh-huh… How exactly does that get us here?”
They stared at each other for a few seconds.
…
…
…
“Well! Time to start the tour!”
The sleek elevator doors slid open with a quiet whoosh accompanied by the sound of rusty gears grinding against each other and a man groaning in pain. With a small nod to the still-flabbergasted Crooked, Riu stepped confidently into the small, dark elevator chamber.
Crooked stood stock-still, his mind reeling over everything that had just happened. He sighed. Just as he had thought, taking this job was most assuredly going to be an interesting experience. After a moment more deliberation, his face broke into a smile and he stepped into the lift after Riu. Might as well have fun with it.
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The elevator doors slide shut, the damn door operator beginning to scream now, but after a moment he stops as we rise out of earshot. “Joining us on our tour today will be the ever-lovely Ms. Ema Skye, because this story will get incredibly boring incredibly fast if I’m the only one talking,” I inform my compatriot, and Ema chimes in from the back of the elevator, “That’s me, y’know!”
Crooked jumps in fright, scared at her sudden appearance (I chuckle to myself, the poor little newbie doesn’t know what he’s getting into!). Ema’s dressed as she always is, a white lab coat and rose-tinted glasses, “Were you always there?” Crooked asks, staring at Ema.
“Well of course not! How could I possibly have always been right here?”
“I mean, when did you get here?”
“Well my parents say it was the 9th of February, 1992, but I think that I’m actually The Doctor and Jack Harkness’ lovechild and that they left me on Earth as to protect me. That’s hardly relevant now though.”
I pat Crooked’s shoulder, “Ms. Skye is our top investigative journalist, she digs up all the juicy secrets and stories that lie deep beneath the surface.” Ema walks up to Crooked and flicks him on the nose, “You have one brother, your favorite color is green, Mr. RC will never love you get over it, your step-father actually makes very good use of that Viagra, and Bon would never fuck Rin so stop writing that fanfiction.” She smiles sweetly as Crooked wide eyes begin twitching, his brain having just exploded. I lean over and whisper in his ear, “See? Told you she was the best!” I briefly consider nibbling his earlobe, but I figure harassment of that level should at least wait til after he signs the release waivers.
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The elevator slowed to a stop, distracting Crooked from his post-traumatic-stress induced silence. “Oh! Here’s the first floor~!” Riu chimed in, “Why don’t you give the first bit of the tour Ema?” She curtsied, “Well of course! This is level 1,” The doors slid open, revealing a room full of gigantic printers, rolling off stacks and stacks of newspapers, “It’s where our daily newspapers are printed, and subsequently burned as fuel to power the building. As you can see in the back of the room, the printing presses are run off the power supplied by the tears of young, orphaned Asian children, and also military-grade uranium.” The doors slid shut and the elevator resumed its ascent.
“Level 2; office cubicles, where our legions of nameless grunts write news articles no one cares about. Each cubicle is outfitted with state-of-the-art technology that tortures and/or kills any workers who slack off, surf the internet, masturbate, eat, drink, use the bathroom, or blink during working hours.”
“Level 3; the news casting room, this is where all T.V. and radio broadcasts are recorded and well, broadcasted. Probably the most boring level, something explodes only about once a week here.”
“Level 4; the brass’ offices, this is where important people like me or Riu get their workspaces. Your office is going to be on this level too.” Crooked looked puzzled for a second, then asked, “But if I’m brand-new, why do I get an office here?” Riu shrugged, “You’re a main character, you have to be here; we can’t risk you getting killed for wetting yourself on floor two.”
“Isn’t referencing the fact that I’m a character kinda against the rules?”
“Don’t worry, I’m the only one allowed to break the fourth wall.”
“…Didn’t I just do it too?”
Ema looked pensive for a moment, then nodded sagely, “He’s right y’know!”
“Shut up! I command you all to shut the f*** up! Our tour isn’t done yet! We have one more floor to go to!” Riu grinned devilishly, “And it’s her floor~!” Riu and Ema began giggly gleefully at one another as the doors shut for the last time this chapter.
“Mr. Crooked Enderson, you are about to meet the president of The Turnabout HUG News Syndicate!”
Chapter 2: The President
- Spoiler:
- The elevator rose higher and higher, the only sound was that of the riders’ breathing and the low hum of the lift. And possibly a man screaming from far below, but that was much more difficult to make out. The elevator chimed, a small, glowing 5 displayed over the doors. They slid open, revealing a small, well-furbished waiting room. Riu and Ema strode out into the room, beckoning for Crooked to follow. “She’ll be expecting us, I think she was eager to meet you.” Riu said as the walked towards the opposite door. Ema grabbed hold of the handle with a dramatic flourish, and said, opening the door, “And here she is! The president of Turnabout HUG News, Wunderbar Phalanges!”
The door opened, revealing…….. an empty office. There was a large, orante wooden desk on the far side of the room, with an empty coffee mug sitting on it, surrounded by piles of scattered papers. A computer laid overturned on the floor; it fell off at some point and no one had yet bothered to pick it up. Behind the desk there was a window that took up the whole of the wall, providing a beautiful view of the nearby river that I just now decided is there. The strangest asset to the room, however, was the large stage on the far left of the room, upon it a grand piano and microphone in the foreground, and at the back along the wall was a massive, imposing pipe organ.
Riu started mumbling to himself (something about a lazy witch?), and walked over to the desk and began banging with his fist on top of it, “WAKE UP WOMAN!” There was a grumbling from under the desk, then the sound of someone hitting their head on the underside of the desk, followed by more grumbling. A second later, a blonde head popped up on the opposite side of the desk, looking like a drunk prairie dog sticking its head up to search for signs of its high hippo girlfriend (if you’ve ever seen one of these you know what I’m talking about). She stood up, still visibly disoriented, but she broke out into a grin and exclaimed, “Well guess what! I got a whole half-an-hour of sleep last night!” Ema looked visibly impressed, but Riu just cleared his throat awkwardly and said, “Wunder, the new employee?” Wunder looked confused momentarily, but then her eyes widened, “Oh yeah!” She turned to Crooked, “Hey there! Welcome to HUG! So, I’m assuming Riu and Ema gave you the grand tour already?”
“Err, yeah, they showed me the facility…. Is it legal, by the way, to kill employees for masturbating at work?”
“….The paperwork’s still being done on that one…” A look of vague concern passed over Wunder’s face, but she quickly dismissed it, “Anyways, it’s time for the next part of your so-called ‘initiation’.” She turned around and began sifting through papers on her desk, muttering, “I hate that word for it, it sounds like we’re college students hazing you or something…Aha!” She shouted the final word, and pulled a sheet a paper from underneath a cat that had been sleeping beneath a particularly large stack of papers. Wunder folded it with frightening dexterity into a paper airplane, which she released into the air; the plane gliding gently straight to Crooked. Riu explained, “It’s just a simple release form…. For uhh, complicated legal reasons…. IF YOU FILL IT OUT YOU GET FREE CANDY.” Riu flashed a bright smile, accompanied by a thumbs-up at Crooked. Wunder rolled her eyes, “Don’t worry, it’s for your benefit; it simply states that you have no affiliation with the torture department or Self-Esteem Fund for Girls Coalition, to keep you safe in case of a messy lawsuit.”
Crooked stared at the paper. Emblazoned across the top were the words, “I, [insert name here], HEREBY SWEAR I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TORTURE DEPARTMENT OR THE SELF-ESTEEM FUND FOR GIRLS COALITION, AND I SHOULD NOT BE INCLUDED IN ANY MESSY LAWSUITS. AlsoIgiveRiufullpermissiontosexuallyharassmeinanymannerofhischoosing.” Followed by a line for his signature. He sighed, took his lucky pen out of his breast pocket, and signed the document, having already resigned himself to just going along with whatever insanity went on around here. Maybe it’d be more fun that way.
Instantly Riu was on top of Crooked, attempting to grope him.
…Yeah, on second thought, not so much fun.
Ema walked over and kicked Riu off Crooked, and then proceeded to spray him from a bottle labeled “Luminol.” Wunder laughed, but nevertheless asked them to leave. Riu instantly protested, arguing that Crooked had signed the release and that Wunder would be hearing from his lawyers, while Ema shouted how luminol was only slightly toxic to humans. “Shut up!” The squabbling stopped, “Both of you, out! I still need to talk to our new employee, and you two are setting a bad example!”
Too late for that, thought Crooked, as the two trouble-makers shambled out the door, their heads down. “So,” Wunder said, pushing the hair out of her face, “If you’re going to be working here, it’s about time you learned the history of HUG.”
“Does it involve reading a textbook?”
Wunder furrowed her brows in confusion, “No…”
“Then that’s fine.”
“… Well. Anyways, it all started four score and seven years ago, when the great Dishiblahblah the Conqueror took over the eastern shore of Sri Lanka, winning it back from the Xzibit aliens who had annexed it during the Second Great Thing that happened at some point or other, I don’t know. Then in The Year of Our Lord Korrok 2-00XXXZW333$@<3 a small newspaper was born. It was the city of Central Recordian, a bustling metropolis filled with towering skyscrapers, sleek and shiny cars, and a fantastically failing judicial system. But there was one man, joined by a band of his friends who dared to stand up against the crime, villainy, and corruption that plagued his beloved city. His name was Son Neo Kaku….”
“Is this one of those shitty flashbacks?”
“Yes, but don’t worry, it doesn’t happen til next chapter.”
Last edited by Riu on Sun Jul 24, 2011 1:55 am; edited 7 times in total
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
There that works much better!
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
-.-
For some reason the forum won't let me sticky this, you're an admin too, can you do it?
For some reason the forum won't let me sticky this, you're an admin too, can you do it?
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Oh gosh I think I know who the president's gonna be
NS- God of Hugs
- Number of posts : 6368
Age : 29
Location : Broton
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
NS wrote:Oh gosh I think I know who the president's gonna be
MY PENIS
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
God what is wrong with me.
Ignore me forever.
Ignore me forever.
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Franzy?NS wrote:Oh gosh I think I know who the president's gonna be
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
That would be a disastuh
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
That'd be fun.
And it's totally not Wunder why would you even imply that are you crazy or something
And it's totally not Wunder why would you even imply that are you crazy or something
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
I just imagined Wunder as your penisEma Skye wrote:NS wrote:Oh gosh I think I know who the president's gonna be
MY PENIS
Not even mini-Wunder, but human-sized Wunder
NS- God of Hugs
- Number of posts : 6368
Age : 29
Location : Broton
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
I'm not sure what's worse, that you just imagined that, that you decided to tell us about it, that that is actually a fetish, or [redacted].
Last edited by Riu on Sat Jul 16, 2011 8:31 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : why did I say that)
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
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Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Wait what?Riu wrote:I'm not sure what's worse, that you just imagined that, that you decided to tell us about it, that that is actually a fetish, [redacted]
NS- God of Hugs
- Number of posts : 6368
Age : 29
Location : Broton
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
why did I even say that?
and I should mention, that last bit was a joke... the rest of it was true though.
and I should mention, that last bit was a joke... the rest of it was true though.
Riu- Admin
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Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
That fact that you suggested it was a fetish is making me think that' maybe it's your fetish Riu.
That's just messed up.
That's just messed up.
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Okay, really! I have weird fetishes, but that one honestly is too weird and rare for me!
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
LOL. xD; What the heck is this conversation?
And I'm not president? D:
And I'm not president? D:
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
You'll have to wait to find out!
Mwhahahahahahaha
Also, did you read it already.
Mwhahahahahahaha
Also, did you read it already.
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Yeah that would be all kinds of messed up.
Oh the things we talk about on THUG.
Oh the things we talk about on THUG.
Ema Skye- Admin
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Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
If only you'd read what he removedEma Skye wrote:That fact that you suggested it was a fetish is making me think that' maybe it's your fetish Riu.
That's just messed up.
NS- God of Hugs
- Number of posts : 6368
Age : 29
Location : Broton
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Let's all stop ruining the sanctity of marriage my story, please.
Riu- Admin
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Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Pfffff I'm sure I don't want to know anyways.
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
Alas, I cannot unsee...
NS- God of Hugs
- Number of posts : 6368
Age : 29
Location : Broton
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
I said drop it, feel free to discuss the story though.
Riu- Admin
- Number of posts : 15204
Age : 28
Location : My car WOOO
Registration date : 2008-12-14
Re: Turnabout HUG News: The Anthology
You need to write another chapter so we have more gloriousness to talk about then bro!
Ema Skye- Admin
- Number of posts : 6176
Age : 32
Location : Hogwarts
Registration date : 2008-12-14
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Similar topics
» TURNABOUT HUG NEWS!
» Turnabout HUG News: Chapter 1: The Tour
» Turnabout HUG News: Prologue: Pilot
» Turnabout HUG News: Chapter 2: The President [UPDATED: READ IT]
» Turnabout Puzzle (aka Turnabout Layton)
» Turnabout HUG News: Chapter 1: The Tour
» Turnabout HUG News: Prologue: Pilot
» Turnabout HUG News: Chapter 2: The President [UPDATED: READ IT]
» Turnabout Puzzle (aka Turnabout Layton)
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